


Safety Kit

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cutting, Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Niall-centric, Self destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Niall, Self-Mutilation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-19
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-02 14:28:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4063363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall couldn’t believe how stupid he was. He just assumed that the safest place to hide was in plain sight.  That if he acted like he had nothing to hide, people would actually believe him. But no.  He was wrong.  Dead fucking wrong. </p><p>Or the one where Liam finds out one of Niall's biggest secrets.</p><p>Trigger warnings. Please please please do not read if you have any possibility of being triggered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Safety Kit

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE EVEN THE FAINTEST POSSIBILITY OF BEING TRIGGERED
> 
> This is about self harm and living with severe mental illness. It is from the point of view of someone who has a mental illness, and subsequently condones some extremely harmful and dangerous behaviors. This is from a perspective distorted by disease. THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER JUSTIFIES, CONDONES, OR MAKES SELF HARM ANY LESS SERIOUS. SELF HARM IS NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, JUSTIFIED. IT IS DANGEROUS AND SHOULD NOT BE MADE LIGHT OF.
> 
> IF YOU HAVE NEVER SELF HARMED BEFORE, DON'T START AND IF READING THIS MIGHT MAKE YOU WANT TO, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.
> 
> IF YOU HAVE EVER ENGAGED IN SELF INJURIOUS BEHAVIORS, AND MIGHT BE TRIGGERED AND WANT TO BY READING THIS, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.
> 
> IF YOU ARE HAVING URGES TO HARM YOURSELF IN ANY WAY, PLEASE VISIT THE LINKS TO DIFFERENT HOTLINES THAT PROVIDE 24 HOUR SERVICE TO HELP YOU. I will fully list them in the end notes as well as some other info and recourses, but these are the links to websites that list them:  
> http://insteadofcutting.tumblr.com/hotlines  
> https://self-injury.net/resources/hotlines

Niall couldn’t believe how stupid he was. He just assumed that the safest place to hide was in plain sight.  That if he acted like he had nothing to hide, people would actually believe him. But no.  He was wrong.  Dead fucking wrong.  And he was beyond furious about it.

See, he had gone through this, where was the best place to hide it.  And he figured that if he had it hidden away in secret, and it was obvious that he was hiding it, if someone was looking for something, or stumbled across it unknowingly, they would automatically know he was trying to hide something and so they would open it and know all of his dirty secrets.  He figured that if he could hide it well enough in plain sight, no one would think twice about it, there was nothing suspicious about it from the outside after all. 

But what he hadn’t accounted for was prying eyes, who had no respect for his privacy.  No he hadn’t counted on stupid fucking Liam going through his things without a fucking thought in the world, as though it was totally fine to completely invade Niall’s privacy.  Like honestly, Niall hadn’t even wanted Liam to help him pack in the first place. But Liam _insisted_ , saying how it would be so much faster with two of them. So Niall had reluctantly allowed him to help.

But Niall, being the idiotic piece of shit that he was, had allowed his mind to wander for a few seconds, not realizing that Liam was nearing his secret.  And he’d just sat by and watched, not noticing what was happening until Liam tentatively said, “What’s this?”

And it had hit Niall like a freight train, just what Liam was holding.  The old wallet. Where he kept…

Niall had practically shouted at Liam to “just leave it!” but it was too late and the damage had been done because Liam had _seen_ and he wasn’t stupid, he could put the pieces together, he _knew_.

Seriously though, how the fuck did Liam think it was okay to firstly impose his presence and assistance on Niall when Niall clearly didn’t want it, and secondly, while supposedly helping him pack up his stuff, to just open and snoop through whatever he came across.  Niall had given him permission to help pack his things, not go through and open and pry into all of his possessions.  Niall was livid.  He had shouted at Liam about how he was a filthy snoop.  And refused to talk to, let alone even be in the same room as him the entire day. 

Of course, Niall had taken to hiding away the wallet in as secret a place as he could find, the second Liam had left him alone, but that didn’t change the fact that Liam had found it.  Sure, he couldn’t confiscate it, or stop Niall from doing it. Even still…

Now, as Niall was lying awake at night, terror swept over him.  Because Liam knew. He fucking _knew_.  And Niall was fucking terrified.

He was equal parts furious at Liam for being nosy and snooping and at himself for being naïve enough to think that he could keep his secret safe, and ignorant enough to think that Liam or the other boys would respect his privacy, and he was fucking furious at himself for even making the kit in the first place.

But the fact of the matter was that Niall had been wrong.  And now he had to live with the consequences.  He didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, and he was scared shitless over the endless possibilities.  _What if Liam told the other boys?_ He probably already had… _What if Liam told Paul and Simon and they sent him away? What if they had him locked up? What if they made him “get help”? What if they made him stop…_

The possibilities were endless, and sat heavily on Niall’s chest, weighing him down.  He felt like he couldn’t breathe, the anxiety was so strong.  And he knew that it was risky, but he needed release. So, stealthy and silent, he crept out of bed and located his new hiding spot.  Pulling out the battered old wallet, he scurried back to the safety of his bunk, where he could continue feigning sleep.

Niall opened the wallet, gazing down at his trusty kit that had saved him so many times.  _Nothing too deep tonight_ , he thought.  That ruled out the razor blades and x-acto knives.  He settled upon a particularly large and sharp safety pin.  That would do.  And it would be easy enough to hide.

Sighing in relief, Niall lowered the waistband of his boxers enough to reveal the multitude of little white lines that were barely noticeable.  He wanted to go deeper, obviously, and make more jagged gashes that turned into scaly magenta raised scars, like the two he had a little further down, or at least even make something other than a tiny little red line that would fade into white, and become almost invisible, but he knew that that was too risky.  So instead he contented himself with making about fifty stinging red lines on his hips, they’d heal in about a week and blend into the other nearly invisible white lines. 

It felt so fucking good.  And Niall felt so much better.  Yeah, he was still anxious as fuck about Liam and the other boys, and just tomorrow in general, but those cuts—really they were hardly more than scratches, if he’s being honest—made everything so much more bearable. He couldn’t lose this.

After extricating several plasters—he normally went without, but he couldn’t afford to leave blood stains or risk mucking up a tissue with his blood on it—from his wallet, Niall allowed himself a small smile. In spite of Liam’s snooping, he still couldn’t take this away from him.  No one could.

Wiping the blood off of the safety pin, Niall tucked it back into the slots of his old wallet, in between the sewing pins and the piece of glass.  He folded up his kit and returned it to his hiding place.  Once again, his Safety Kit—that’s what he liked to think of it as, at least; he knew that to everyone else it would just be seen as a self harm kit, but for him it was his lifeline, it kept him sane, and it kept him safe because it stopped him from doing other, worse, things to himself—had served him well.

**Author's Note:**

> To clarify, self harm is not just cutting. By definition, self harm is "the act of deliberately harming your own body" and includes any harmful/dangerous/painful behaviors and can be done for thousands of different reasons. Some common types of self harm are cutting, burning, hair pulling (see trichotillomania), skin picking (see dermatillomania), scratching, pinching, hitting oneself, interfering with healing (i.e. pulling off scabs), bone breaking, head banging, excessive alcohol consumption, drug use/abuse, drinking/injecting harmful chemicals into the body, and collision with objects (i.e. punching a wall) to name a few.
> 
> THERE'S NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP, Here's a link to the international suicide hotlines:  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html
> 
> SELF HARM ALTERNATIVES:
> 
> when you're angry/restless:  
> •Scribble on photos in magazines  
> •Viciously stab an orange  
> •Scream loudly  
> •Tear apart newspapers, photos, or magazines  
> •Go to the gym, dance, exercise  
> •Pop bubble wrap/balloons  
> •Write your feelings on paper then rip it up  
> •Use stress relievers  
> •Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc  
> •Break sticks  
> •Cut up fruits  
> •Stomp around in heavy shoes  
> •Buy a cheap plate and decorate it with what ever expresses your pain/sadness and then smash it (be careful)  
> •The Calm Jar (Fill a jar water and glitter. When upset or angry you can shake it to disturb the glitter and focus on that until the glitter settles.)
> 
> sensation (other than pain) without harming yourself:  
> •Hold ice cubes  
> •Run your hands under cold water  
> •Splash your face with cold water  
> •Put glue on your hands then peel it off  
> •Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root
> 
> distract or take up time:  
> •Say “I’ll self harm in fifteen minutes if I still want to” and keep going for periods of fifteen minutes until the urge fades  
> •Play an instrument  
> •Paint your nails  
> •Cook  
> •Dress up  
> •Make a chain link out of paper counting the hours/days you've been self harm free  
> •Memorize a poem with meaning  
> •Learn to swear in another language  
> •Plan regular activities for your most difficult time of day  
> •Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it.  
> •Pick a subject and research it  
> •Take a small step towards a goal you have  
> •Re-organize your room  
> •Name all of your soft toys  
> •Do some house hold chores
> 
> when you're feeling guilty, sad, or lonely:  
> •Remember a happy moment and relive it  
> •Look at things that are special to you  
> •Compliment someone else  
> •Youtube funny videos  
> •Let yourself cry  
> •Play with a pet  
> •Imagine yourself living in a perfect home and describe it  
> •If you're religious, read the bible or pray  
> •Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people  
> •Write down the negative thoughts and then physically re-write them into positive messages
> 
> when you're feeling panicky or scared:  
> •Listen to soothing music  
> •Meditate or do yoga  
> •Do a “reality check list” – write down all the things you can list about where you are now (e.g. It's the 9th November 2004, I’m a room and everything is going to be alright)  
> •Drink herbal tea  
> •Feel your pulse to prove you're alive  
> •Put your feet firmly on the floor  
> •Accept where you are in the process. Beating yourself up, only makes it worse  
> •Lay on your back comfortably (eyes closed), and breathe in for 4, hold for 2, out for 4, hold for 2. Fill your belly with air, not your chest. When you're comfortable breathing, put your hand on your belly and rub up and down in time with your breathing. If your mind wanders move it back to focusing ONLY on the synchronized movement of your hand and breathing  
> •Light a candle and watch the flame
> 
> give the illusion of seeing something similar to blood:  
> •Draw on yourself with a red pen  
> •Cover yourself with plasters where you want to cut  
> •Give yourself a fake tattoo  
> •Draw on the areas you want to cut using ice with red food color it
> 
> sort through your feelings:  
> •Identify what is hurting  
> •Call a hotline  
> •Write a letter to someone telling them how you feel (you don’t have to send it)  
> •Start a grateful journal where everyday you write down three good things that happened/that you accomplished/are grateful for/made you smile. only positive things. when you feel down go back and look at it
> 
> See the full list at:  
> http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f12-self-harm/t9418-alternatives-self-harm/
> 
> If you ever need a friend, I'm always here for you. Come find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com   
> I love you all so much and I hope that you find the happiness and peace in life that you deserve.
> 
> As always,  
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
